I've been feeling pretty emotional since Saturday...crying about little things like my hair and zits on my face. Monday was Kyle and Sarah's engagement shoot. I feel horrible for how I acted towards them. I wasn't feeling too well that day and snapped at them when they didn't understand how to pose like I told them to. I'm so sorry you two for how I acted. During the shoot I started getting painful cramps. I knew these were different from other small cramps I've had. They were so painful. A few hours after the shoot I started passing blood clots. I instantly cried and called Ian. He tried convincing me it was normal and that the uterus was just stretching. So I immediately calmed down, which was strange of me. Throughout the first 6 weeks of pregnancy everything freaked me out. I was worried the whole time that something wasn't right, but Monday I was so calm. The blood clots kept coming, each time bigger than the last. Tuesday was supposed to be my 8 week appointment. I was looking forward to hearing the heart beat since I was convinced there wasn't a baby inside of me from the very beginning. So I held off on calling the Dr or going to the ER. I thought if I just waited 12 more hours I can talk to my Dr about it during my appointment.
In the middle of the night I woke up due to the most painful cramps I've ever experienced. After each painful cramp I ran to the bathroom and passed a large blood clot. Finally after hours of doing this I couldn't take it any longer and cried to Ian to take me to the ER. We got there around 5 am. My eyes were bloodshot and I looked like a complete disaster. My cramps were so painful and my lower back hurt like nothing else I've ever experienced. They immediately put me on morphine and the pain disappeared. I remember giving Ian and thumbs up sometime throughout the experience because I felt so good. They did multiple tests.. blood work, urine samples, checking my uterus while pulling out giant blood clots, as well as two different ultra sounds. Meanwhile they kept giving me smaller doses of morphine that wore off almost instantly. I was once again in major pain. They tried injecting me with something else that didn't ease the pain and eventually gave me percocet. Nothing worked. During this time they informed me that I had miscarried and they would look through the ultra sound photos to see if there was a reason why it happened. Besides the pain, I felt fine and peaceful with the result. Ian and I talked and I explained to him that I knew something wasn't right from the very beginning. He knew as well by the way I was acting, but we both hoped that my feelings were wrong. Later on the Dr and nurses came in seeing what else they could do about the pain. I demanded more morphine because my back was in such pain. They never did get back to me with any reason that caused the miscarriage except it just wasn't meant to be. By the time they came back with the morphine the other pain killers had finally kicked in and they let us go home.
I went to bed right away and slept on and off from 10 am to 4ish pm. Meanwhile I chatted with my mom on the phone. When she called she expected me to be a total disaster, but I wasn't. I was so calm, explaining that I thought it was the right time when we were planning it out, but it really wasn't. I have booked so many summer weddings (a few in CA) that I just don't think my body would have been able to handle all the traveling and the stressful schedule. I believe that God knows how much we can handle.. and I wouldn't have been able to handle losing an actual baby. So I had to lose it now. My mom cried and told me that I'm so much stronger than she is, but said that only a Mother knows what's going on in her body. And I knew. I wanted to believe everyone that everything was going to be fine, but I knew.
Early this morning I woke up with more painful crams and bleeding. I was hoping the rest of this miscarriage would be pain free for me, but it wont be. They gave me so many drugs yesterday that I believe I was numb from all pain and emotion. Ian stayed home from work yesterday and it was nice to have him around. I've been sobbing since he left this morning, realizing how much I really did want this child that I lost. I thought if I got out of bed and wrote this post it would help me feel better... and it has. Today needs to be a good day. I have a wedding consultation today and need to be in a bubbly happy attitude.
Thank you to everyone who has replied to my Facebook status or sent me emails. Even though I'm not writing much back, I really do appreciate it. This is what I wrote on my Facebook status
"Lost the baby :'( Ian took me to the ER early this morning and were there nearly 5 hours. I always knew something wasn't right but was too excited not to share our news so early in the pregnancy. We're doing fine and know that it just wasn't the right time. Thank you all for your love and support. You mean the world to us!" So far I've had 44 amazing replies plus emails and text messages. I know I'm not the only one who's experienced this, and many of you have shared with me that you too have lost a baby or two. I'm so glad to know I have so much love and support.
How very softly you tiptoed into my world. Silently only a moment you stayed, but what an imprint your footprints have left on my heart...